Chances

So much has happened. David and I broke up. Well actually I broke up with him. It was a tough decision but now I see just how screwed up that relationship made me. I have realized that it was a very one sided relationship.

After breaking up, I realized that I was becoming a completely different person. I wasn't ever really happy. I feel so low on myself. I feel miserable. There were so many times things were said and now all I hear is the negativity playing over and over again in my head. I hear how horrible I am and how pointless I am. I wish I could lose the feeling of uselessness but I can't. 

I can't really say I miss being in a relationship because towards the end we just fought and hated each other. I know that in time I will be able to say differently I'm sure but right now, the alone time and just self awareness is helpful.

Right now I'm trying to surround myself with friends and family. I know my last post was about this guy I like. I do like him but I also know that right now I need to focus on myself and friends before I start to try relationships or anything deeper. 

Yesterday at work, my store manager asked me what was holding me back from success. In a different context this was probably the easiest question I was asked all week, but when I came home I thought about it. What is holding me back from success in my personal life. Honestly, I think this is the first time I miss having human contact. Like I might actually do anything to just get a hug from a guy to remind me that I'm protected. I also know that I'm spiraling downward and I need to fix that. Today is the first day of fixing that. 

There is a One Direction lyric that literally describes my feelings. "How many nights does it take to the stars, that's the time it would take to fix my heart..... How many nights have you wished someone would stay, lay awake only hoping their okay." I'm broken I admit that, but I can't sleep knowing that my friends might be miserable or even hurt by something I did. I know that I'm one of those people that takes things personally and if my friends are having a tough time I want to do everything possible to help them, even if I know I can't. On that same topic, I feel like no one worries about me and no one stays awake thinking of me. I wish that I could just have a person who I could always go to for a pick me up or just as a person who I know will hit on me and make me feel better about myself.

I want to meet someone who could understand all I've been through and still be able to appreciate me and potentially grow to love me. I just want something that I can count on to make me happy. Right now my friends are the only things that make me happy but I dont think that will last long for the fact I can't get close to them because a lot of them are still talking to David. 

I'm just in a tough place right now and I know in order to get to a better place I need help and I need to worry about myself. I'm horrible at worrying about myself because I'm hard on myself. I really hope that this ends well for me. .com,3

GodSent

So I'm typing this from what may possibly be the most lonely moment I have felt in years. I'm sitting on my couch watching tv while I should be cleaning up the mess from David.

September 17th, three days ago, David flew to Florida without me. He got a job and against my better judgement, I let him go. His mom and dad have officially separated and David wanted to go take care of her. I wish that he knew that this is killing me. There is so much happening. David's mom hasn't really given me a reason to trust her or given me a reason to even care about their separation. I told David that I wanted to stay here and get my financials together, but I think I mostly just want to focus on myself and my family, before I take on this commitment. 

My friends from work have been a blessing and they have taken care of me. They eat with me lunch, they text me and talk, they genuinely seem to care. This is one of the many things I have grown to appreciate about being here while David is in Florida. On top of this, my biggest issue is that my friends from work have been amazing but they have been so amazing I'm starting to freak myself out. One of David and I's friend has been super sweet and has been amazing to me. This seems to be an issue to me, because I am starting to fall for this person. This person has been my right hand person for the past few weeks. After a break-up from their significant other, they counted on to help them through their rough patch which of course I was happy to do, but now I'm terrified that I'm messing up my relationship to be with someone who doesn't even want to be with me. I know that I'm not this person's type and that they would never date me.

After David left, he has become fairly appreciative of me. I really do miss him but I'm confused because of this other person. I have spent two years of my life loving the same guy and admittedly I'm scared. I'm terrified that even with two years, David may still not the person I end up or worse yet, I'm just not ready for commitment. I want to be happy and I'm not entirely sure that David makes me happy. 

Today Allie, Lindsay, and Becca are taking me to Kennywood. I'm actually excited for the fact, I have friends who care enough to take me out and take care of me while I'm miserable . Becca and I have gotten somewhat close and I'm so thankful for that. I feel like I don't really have friends here anymore, but Becca has really been there for me and she's listen to me be miserable and just complain about everything. she really has been a godsent. 

This other person, has also probably seen me at my worst and the they have taken care of me. They have made sure that I have been taken care of myself and that I'm not being rash or stupid. They take me out for food and drinks. It's not cheating because I refuse to admit feelings. The only person that knows about this other person is Becca and thankfully she won't tell or even hint about it to anyone. 

Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like. I would love to have some type of manual or handbook that shows me how I'm going to end up or at least tell me if I'm going to be happy. I know that most people dream of their future and how it turns out, but recently I've been dreading it and it's stressing me out. I really hope that things get figured out soon.

Changes

This blog will reflect good and bad things that have happened to me literally in the past like two in half weeks. Get ready!

So on Thursday July 16th I was finally promoted. I start on Saturday as the Supervisor of Cosmetics. I'm so excited. I finally got something above Sales Associate. I'm so excited to be a step above someone. Currently I'm the acting Interim Supervisor of Grocery and I'm not even kidding, I've loved it. It's always busy, always insanely funny, and it's been my home for a year. Grocery has always been my home in Wal~Mart but recently with my supervisor being gone, drama has become a massive outbreak. I always thought that I would stay in grocery or at least that side of the store, now that I'm going to the other side, I'm slightly terrified. I'm happy that I get to have a really great SWAS (Store within a Store). When I found out I got the position, my co-managers pulled me into the office and told me how well I was doing at the store. They explained that since my supervisor has been on a leave, I have stepped up and helped them out a lot and they really have seen me grow with the store and really see potential with me.

David has hated Pennsylvania since he pretty much got off the plane. This is my home and as much as I get annoyed and hate it sometimes its my comfort spot. David's parents are talking about divorce and splitting up and I feel horrible but I don't want to go bail his mother out of another messed up situation. David and I can't really talk about anything because he gets angry but I don't want to move to Florida at all. I want to stay in PA and work on myself and us as a couple. I want to save money and get established with Wal~Mart and potentially get a job in my field. I want to tell him this but I can't. I can't get my emotions to come out and form a sentence to tell him. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to start all over again at Disney, Wal~Mart, or somewhere entirely new. I want to be established and just set myself up for success and happiness.

Nothing after college is the way I ever planned. I thought moving back to Florida would be an easy choice. I thought working for a massive new source or even just a known news source would be easy. I had such different plans and none of them worked out. With work finally starting to promote me and notice my hard work, I want to stay and show this store that I'm the real deal. I will work for what I want and I'm willing to go the extra mile. In the future I want to be able to do something that will be worth something and show people that I'm better then what they expect.

I can't decide what to do. Moving to Florida is something I really want but not right now, but losing David would be a big blow and not moving means losing him. I'm devastated and so utterly lost. I'm not sure what to do but I need help and my main rocks to lean on are gone. I feel honestly alone and abandoned. I miss having people to talk to and to just genuinely bitch at. I need someone to listen to my rants and then give me advice and just talk to me. I hope that getting this promotion will help me and give me some type of sign to go off of.

I wish that I could get a guidebook to life. I feel like a complete failure and no matter what I do I just keep failing. Don't get me wrong a promotion is a step in the right direction but I still feel like no matter what I do I'm failing someone. I just to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that I'm taking care of myself. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Defeat

So as I'm writing this, I hear the booming of fireworks celebrating the United States freedom. This is somewhat annoying to me right now.

So I graduated college essentially earning my own... Freedom (get the connection now?) I had a wonderful few days when I felt accomplished and like I could take o the world. After those few days ended, that feeling switched drastically. I'm almost convinced that I started binge eating fast food and giving up has become my favorite new phrase. I really have never felt more defeated but I'm trying so hard to make those around me proud. Its to the point I'm annoyed by everything.

It sort of started when we announced that the structure of our store was changing. There were supervisor positions opening that I would have loved to be considered for. I felt like maybe this would be the easiest way to climb up the ladder and eventually become more then just a generic sales floor associate. They just closed the reqs. which means that whoever told people they wanted the job will be considered. I'm nervous because I really want some of these positions. Adding to the nerves, my supervisor is on a leave from work. They want to put an interim supervisor in her position to help until she comes back. Now I would be okay with this but no one has approached me with any of this.

I'm nervous because before she left there was a rumor that she told our store manager (who has since left) that she wanted another associate to take over grocery. I was devastated and I still am. I feel horrible that she is going through a misfortune right now but I'm frustrated with that rumor that hasn't ceased since she left. She may not be working right now but she still comes in the store. I want to talk to her about it and explain that it really hurt me and how awful I still feel but I don't know how to do it.

Anyone can tell you that I seem outgoing and I'm strong willed and I normally talk a lot. I normally am that way, until it comes to certain situations. I can be come a clam and just shut down. Handling work right now is turning me into a stressed out panic attacking clam. Someone said the other day that since I started "trying to step up" and be supervisor that grocery has gone to shit and it's awful. I really took that to heart and pretty much cried. I hate that people could say that. I have been trying so hard to keep grocery look good and to try to keep it okay enough that when my supervisor comes back it's not terrible. For someone to tell me that it was horrible was probably the lowest blow I could have gotten. I came home and cried for a good 45 minutes before I realized that the person that said that has been in the department longer then me. Rumor has it that they passed their supervisor test. So I thought about it. Grocery looks terrible since I stepped up to the plate.... Not anyone else. No one has even once approached a manager or someone about our paper work or price changes or anything else.

Work and my future have me really defeated right now. There's a joke at work that if you are feeling defeated its time for a promotion. I feel like even though I'm defeated I will never get a promotion because I don't deserve one. After all of the rumors and things being said get around the store, I feel like I'm not even going to be considered for a supervisor position. I'm terrified and at the same time I'm defeated and I give up. I could really use some good news or just happiness right now.

Advantage

You know what pisses me off. When I try everything in my power to make people happy and nothing ever works. I literally bend over backwards to make myself accessible and readily available to help people and I get nothing in return.

Yesterday I went to work at 8am and stayed until 5pm just to come home, shower, try to sleep and be back to work at 9pm -7am. I'm beyond tired and when I walked into work this morning to clock out, I showed management some ideas I got from the other store that would help our store out. They all laughed at me and pretty much said it was stupid. I didn't get a real answer why or anything just a flat out no. I was so mad. I really just don't understand how they can say no to something when they didn't even get to see my vision or even try to understand what I'm saying. 

Also, my mother has a staph infection. David is a carrier for staph so he has to be fairly careful right now. I'm trying to help him and not make a big deal about it. I'm not a carrier and I don't understand all of the limitations but I'm trying. He is being miserable and stayed balled up in bed all day instead of just asking me or telling me to help him. He already doesn't try to make things okay with my mother but now it's nearly impossible to even remotely be normal. I feel like he's mad at me for something I don't understand and I'm placed in a situation I know nothing about.

I feel so low on myself and I feel like a failure. I'm not sure what I can do to rebound. I feel useless and pretty much stupid. I wish I could just take a mini vacation and get away by myself for a while. I feel like some alone time could really do me a lot of good but at the same time if I go away I'm scared I would come back to nothing and sheer madness. The only thing that is helping me push through is that fact the I have One Direction tickets for their Pittsburgh show in August. I really want to see them but I also really want to run away. My future is so nuts right now I'm scared.

I wish I could just explain this to someone in my household, David, my sisters, anyone but no one is around for my meltdowns. I have been around for just about everyone's tough times. Now that I'm having a rough time there is no one here who can help me. I feel somewhat abandoned. I barely speak to Sarah since I'm still somewhat heartbroken that she didn't come to my graduation or anything. I am trying to move on and trying to continue our friendship but I'm just so hurt and ruined. I really have no idea where to turn.

Becoming Content.

As I lay in bed tonight, I am content in my situation I never saw coming. 

We can start off with what is happening right this second. David is quietly snoring and heavly passed out. He worked today. I was lucky enough to have the day off. My parents are in the house doing their own thing. It seems stupid but that might be my favorite thing they do. 

I used to plan my life years and years ahead of what was necessary. I have recently started going with the flow. I applied to Disney with somewhat of a false sense of security. I didn't let myself apply anywhere else or even consider the fact I may not get into Disney. Now I somewhat regret it but I also understand myself a lot better now. I still stock groceries and pretty do a brainless job at Walmart but I have come to look forward to my shifts. The peope I work with have become an extended family. I have people who I can have detailed conversations with about things that still haunt my every move. I also have the team that is willing to help me move up in the company and show me the ropes to climb to the top. Let's be honest, no ones dream job is being a Walmart employee but so far I have been able to find some people that will be my friends for life and will be apart of whatever journey I end up going on . 

My parents and I have evolved our relationships. My dad and I never had a super close relationship. After I told my dad he got a sense of pride and pretty much told everyone he could about my newest adventure. My dad since then has been supportive of just about everything I do. He has had his fair share of struggles but seems to genuinely want to support and care about David and me.  My mother on the other hand has not been as positive. Before I got accepted into the Disney College Program, my mom and I had a best friends type of relationship. We were always together or at least super close. After I got accepted she was convinced I would never go back to school to graduate and that I was throwing my life away. I have recently been somewhat short with her and pretty much avoiding her as much as possible which is actually killing me inside. I miss having her to laugh with and to joke around with. I guess times change and that nothing can stay the same though. 

I have been finding myself, late at night, reading what Tumblr calls One Direction imagines. Its pretty much little stories that people create where you are in a relationship with one of the boys or in various situations with them. I have been thinking a lot of the situations and what it would be like to go through some of the stuff with different people. Noww let's not get the wrong idea. I  love David to the moon and back but sometimes thinking of other people just adds a new way of thinking about things. If I really was with Harry Styles or Zayn Malik how would my life be different and how would I be handling the things I currently have going on. 

I'm trying somewhat hard to reconnect with my family now that school is over and I'm in the real world. I made lunch plans with Michelle for Wednesday and I'm really excited to see her. She came to my graduation which I appreciated but now I get to have a relationship with her. Since we both went through a lot in the past two to three years we have become somewhat closer and I'm thankful we have each other to lean on. 

Uncertainty and confusion

Today is one of those days that makes me really sad and miss the simplicity of middle school and high school. Knowing my dreams and goals and being able to set a plan in place to achieve them. It was something I almost prided myself on. I knew that one day I was going to be something people could be proud of or something where I could be a role model. I knew what I wanted. Now I'm lost.

 I got rejected from an Human Resources position at work the other day. Granted the reason was a little uplifting but it was still a rejection. My store and co-manager told me that the interview was solid and making the decision was really hard. The both thought that I was a strong candidate and that I really have a bright future. I had a genuinely good shot and I felt like I had this position in the bag. After being told about the rejection, my co-manager explained that I was in a really good position to get a department managers position. I really miss having some type of authority. I know how to function as a leader. When I got rejected, I was sad don't get me wrong, but what really struck a nerve is that I have absolutely no idea what my dream or goal is right now. I miss aspiring to be something big and interesting.

 David and I have been okay and we had a really good day the other day. We've been through a rough patch a lot recently. He is supportive and wonderful but sometimes I just need to have things be about me. When I got rejected he talked to me about it and then pretty much tried to make me understand that I couldn't be depressed and I had about zero room to be sad and feel horrible about myself. He's a great guy he really is but right now after David getting over high-blood pressure and being sick, I feel like he doesn't have the right to tell me how to function and how to feel.

We got to talk about what we want for our future. Kids, wedding, where we want to settle down. Most of the time we see eye to eye on things. I genuinely try to compromise or at least see his side of the story. I'm really nervous about being able to survive our future and being able to function independently. I wish that he understood how scared I was.

This is currently one of those times when I'm scared and I can't really describe the rest of my emotions. I don't understand anything. I feel worthless and I'm genuinely concerned that I might have some type of dysfunction or disability. I have thought for years that something was wrong with me. I never saw myself as normal or as someone who fit in. As far back as middle school and perhaps elementary school, I felt out of place and like someone different. I always wondered what exactly was wrong with me, and I wish I could find out.