Chances

So much has happened. David and I broke up. Well actually I broke up with him. It was a tough decision but now I see just how screwed up that relationship made me. I have realized that it was a very one sided relationship.

After breaking up, I realized that I was becoming a completely different person. I wasn't ever really happy. I feel so low on myself. I feel miserable. There were so many times things were said and now all I hear is the negativity playing over and over again in my head. I hear how horrible I am and how pointless I am. I wish I could lose the feeling of uselessness but I can't. 

I can't really say I miss being in a relationship because towards the end we just fought and hated each other. I know that in time I will be able to say differently I'm sure but right now, the alone time and just self awareness is helpful.

Right now I'm trying to surround myself with friends and family. I know my last post was about this guy I like. I do like him but I also know that right now I need to focus on myself and friends before I start to try relationships or anything deeper. 

Yesterday at work, my store manager asked me what was holding me back from success. In a different context this was probably the easiest question I was asked all week, but when I came home I thought about it. What is holding me back from success in my personal life. Honestly, I think this is the first time I miss having human contact. Like I might actually do anything to just get a hug from a guy to remind me that I'm protected. I also know that I'm spiraling downward and I need to fix that. Today is the first day of fixing that. 

There is a One Direction lyric that literally describes my feelings. "How many nights does it take to the stars, that's the time it would take to fix my heart..... How many nights have you wished someone would stay, lay awake only hoping their okay." I'm broken I admit that, but I can't sleep knowing that my friends might be miserable or even hurt by something I did. I know that I'm one of those people that takes things personally and if my friends are having a tough time I want to do everything possible to help them, even if I know I can't. On that same topic, I feel like no one worries about me and no one stays awake thinking of me. I wish that I could just have a person who I could always go to for a pick me up or just as a person who I know will hit on me and make me feel better about myself.

I want to meet someone who could understand all I've been through and still be able to appreciate me and potentially grow to love me. I just want something that I can count on to make me happy. Right now my friends are the only things that make me happy but I dont think that will last long for the fact I can't get close to them because a lot of them are still talking to David. 

I'm just in a tough place right now and I know in order to get to a better place I need help and I need to worry about myself. I'm horrible at worrying about myself because I'm hard on myself. I really hope that this ends well for me. .com,3

GodSent

So I'm typing this from what may possibly be the most lonely moment I have felt in years. I'm sitting on my couch watching tv while I should be cleaning up the mess from David.

September 17th, three days ago, David flew to Florida without me. He got a job and against my better judgement, I let him go. His mom and dad have officially separated and David wanted to go take care of her. I wish that he knew that this is killing me. There is so much happening. David's mom hasn't really given me a reason to trust her or given me a reason to even care about their separation. I told David that I wanted to stay here and get my financials together, but I think I mostly just want to focus on myself and my family, before I take on this commitment. 

My friends from work have been a blessing and they have taken care of me. They eat with me lunch, they text me and talk, they genuinely seem to care. This is one of the many things I have grown to appreciate about being here while David is in Florida. On top of this, my biggest issue is that my friends from work have been amazing but they have been so amazing I'm starting to freak myself out. One of David and I's friend has been super sweet and has been amazing to me. This seems to be an issue to me, because I am starting to fall for this person. This person has been my right hand person for the past few weeks. After a break-up from their significant other, they counted on to help them through their rough patch which of course I was happy to do, but now I'm terrified that I'm messing up my relationship to be with someone who doesn't even want to be with me. I know that I'm not this person's type and that they would never date me.

After David left, he has become fairly appreciative of me. I really do miss him but I'm confused because of this other person. I have spent two years of my life loving the same guy and admittedly I'm scared. I'm terrified that even with two years, David may still not the person I end up or worse yet, I'm just not ready for commitment. I want to be happy and I'm not entirely sure that David makes me happy. 

Today Allie, Lindsay, and Becca are taking me to Kennywood. I'm actually excited for the fact, I have friends who care enough to take me out and take care of me while I'm miserable . Becca and I have gotten somewhat close and I'm so thankful for that. I feel like I don't really have friends here anymore, but Becca has really been there for me and she's listen to me be miserable and just complain about everything. she really has been a godsent. 

This other person, has also probably seen me at my worst and the they have taken care of me. They have made sure that I have been taken care of myself and that I'm not being rash or stupid. They take me out for food and drinks. It's not cheating because I refuse to admit feelings. The only person that knows about this other person is Becca and thankfully she won't tell or even hint about it to anyone. 

Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like. I would love to have some type of manual or handbook that shows me how I'm going to end up or at least tell me if I'm going to be happy. I know that most people dream of their future and how it turns out, but recently I've been dreading it and it's stressing me out. I really hope that things get figured out soon.