I graduate college in 19 days. I don't really have a job in my field yet. After applying and applying and interviewing and schmoozing, I was turned down. I currently work stocking groceries at my local Wal~Mart. It's a thrill.
First I want to explain that I applied and got offered one job. It was in sales. I'm graduating with my bachelors in Public Relations, Graphic Design, and Journalism. I'm stressing out because I have worked at Wal~Mart for almost year now and I feel like that is the best I'm going to get. I completed the Disney College Program and I loved my experience. I met my fiance and some of my best friends there. I applied for Professional Internships as well as full-time jobs at Disney and I really felt like I had a shot. I was so excited. I started house hunting and everything, until last week. I received word that I had been rejected from all of the positions I had applied to. I'm still devastated. There was really no doubt in my mind. I was going to Disney. Now I fee like I have to rearrange my life. I literally spent three days straight in tears and in a state of obnoxious depression. I have been applying to jobs higher up at Wal~Mart and now I feel like I'm going to be stuck there forever. I know the saying "It Gets Better" and I truly believe it... except for now. My parents are somewhat thrilled I didn't get accepted to Disney and my fiance's first thought was, "Yay let's move in with our friends." Don't get me wrong I'm happy to stay with my home friends and family, but I literally get homesick for Disney. Every time I watch a parade or fireworks show on YouTube, I go into a depression. I wish that others around me understood that every time Disney comes up in conversation I have an internal nervous breakdown especially now that I feel Disney is unobtainable.
I went to work this past weekend and a customer asked me a question. I'm a fairly bubbly person and I'm almost always willing to help. This customer told me that I was the nicest Wal~mart associate he had ever come in contact with and said I was "too pretty to work at Wal~Mart." Right there beside the pickles I started bawling and had to get taken off the sales floor by a co-worker. I had never felt humiliation until that moment. I'm always so willing to do whatever it takes to get what I want but in that moment I felt defeated and I could literally feel the brick wall that is going to forever hold me back from going to Disney.
I'm still graduating like I said and I'm thrilled to be done with school. Five long years after I started Pitt-Johnstown, I finally get to walk across the stage at Soldiers and Sailors Memorial and be proud of all the work I have done. I'm not entirely sad that I don't get to have my friends graduate with me but I'm excited to spend time with my family and get my life on the road. I want to be independent and show people that I don't have to depend on my parents for every thing. I want to be my own person and make my own life choices.
I love my family I really do. I remind myself of that fact often. I feel like sometimes my life is all about them and their needs instead of worrying about myself and what I need. My parents are probably the most interesting couple of people someone could find. I know I have the full support of my father and he will always help me get whatever I need to succeed. My mother on the other hand tends to scare me off and hold me back. She knows that I can survive and function properly on my own but she is convinced that I'm going to mess up and be a failure. Sometimes she says things that really make me feel like I'm a failure and I've done nothing good in my life. I think one of my biggest life choices has been to do things that are good for me instead of what is good for everyone. I really want to find personal happiness and be proud of myself. I felt like if I could do that, others would follow suit and be proud of what I have done. Clearly in my family, thats not how it works. I have been trying to get my mother to be proud of me for years.
One of my best friends, who has been there since middle school truly opened up my eyes to my potential. She gave me hope to continue on and get through the rough patches. She has always been more then willing to bring over some beer and ice cream and just talk things out until we eventually watch some horrible YouTube video and feel better about our lives. She has always been there when I needed and I never understood just how much I wanted to be there for her. She is truly one my best and closest friends. She will always be someone who somehow understands me. She will never understand just how much I owe her and how indebted to her I really am.
Working at Wal~Mart has given me friends that I never thought I would have. My current supervisor has become somewhat of a crutch and support to me. She truly is a friend that I can tell anything to and be myself around. She has helped me through so much and she doesnt even know it. Going to work knowing that she is going to be there makes me feel 100% better about being an employee of Wal~Mart. It's not the most glamorous job or even the most interesting but knowing that she will be there makes me feel like there is somewhere I can go if something drastic happens or if I just need someone to talk to. Her and her wife have shown me that having a happy relationship is created on fighting, undying love for each other and admiration beyond belief. After getting rejected from Disney both of them came to work on their day off, knowing I was working and gave me hugs (Hugs are not something they give out very often). In that moment, I dont think they understood just how much I needed that support or even just a simple visit from them. Having these two souls as friends has helped me more then they will ever know and I hope one day to be able to explain just how much they have done for me.
Some other people at work have been fairly helpful with boosting my mood. They have taken me out to lunch and made me laugh probably harder then ever. They have just spent time talking to me. There are also the people that treat me as if nothing ever happened and they have no idea how helpful that is. My dreams were shattered and I can't really put the pieces back together. I hope that one day I can process the situation and move on but for right now I'm just too shocked and hurt to do anything. The people who treated me the same made me understand that no matter what is going on, life happens, but you have to move on and be strong.
I hope moving on with everything that time will prevail and show the world that I am a really good public relations specialist and that I'm passionate about what I do. To everyone who gets to read this I hope that you understand that you are worth it and if there is anything I can do to help you realize that, I'm here. Also I want to be able to share my thankfulness and love towards those that understand and help me through every little turn and bend that life gives me.
