Uncertainty and confusion

Today is one of those days that makes me really sad and miss the simplicity of middle school and high school. Knowing my dreams and goals and being able to set a plan in place to achieve them. It was something I almost prided myself on. I knew that one day I was going to be something people could be proud of or something where I could be a role model. I knew what I wanted. Now I'm lost.

 I got rejected from an Human Resources position at work the other day. Granted the reason was a little uplifting but it was still a rejection. My store and co-manager told me that the interview was solid and making the decision was really hard. The both thought that I was a strong candidate and that I really have a bright future. I had a genuinely good shot and I felt like I had this position in the bag. After being told about the rejection, my co-manager explained that I was in a really good position to get a department managers position. I really miss having some type of authority. I know how to function as a leader. When I got rejected, I was sad don't get me wrong, but what really struck a nerve is that I have absolutely no idea what my dream or goal is right now. I miss aspiring to be something big and interesting.

 David and I have been okay and we had a really good day the other day. We've been through a rough patch a lot recently. He is supportive and wonderful but sometimes I just need to have things be about me. When I got rejected he talked to me about it and then pretty much tried to make me understand that I couldn't be depressed and I had about zero room to be sad and feel horrible about myself. He's a great guy he really is but right now after David getting over high-blood pressure and being sick, I feel like he doesn't have the right to tell me how to function and how to feel.

We got to talk about what we want for our future. Kids, wedding, where we want to settle down. Most of the time we see eye to eye on things. I genuinely try to compromise or at least see his side of the story. I'm really nervous about being able to survive our future and being able to function independently. I wish that he understood how scared I was.

This is currently one of those times when I'm scared and I can't really describe the rest of my emotions. I don't understand anything. I feel worthless and I'm genuinely concerned that I might have some type of dysfunction or disability. I have thought for years that something was wrong with me. I never saw myself as normal or as someone who fit in. As far back as middle school and perhaps elementary school, I felt out of place and like someone different. I always wondered what exactly was wrong with me, and I wish I could find out.

Who knows...

Sometimes I feel like I'll just never understand people. Everyone knows about the Disney rejection, but people still ask about my future, especially at work. Everything is so unclear right now. I know I have time and it's not super important to buckle down right now. Sometimes I just wish everything was perfect for five seconds. I wish that I could be a honors student that everyone could brag about. I wish I could be the stunningly beautiful girl that everyone is friends with. I wish I could have some type of backup magical money fund so I could go out with said friends and let loose. 

David has been sick the past few weeks. I hate to see him in pain and not feeling well but I hate that we can't just be functional. What I hate even more is talking to people about it. I just want him to come back to work and be productive and okay. It really bothers me that he's fairly okay with everything. I'm freaking out about his health, school, a job, my family, friends, his future, all on top of just being a human. With David being sick, I'm scared that if we live on our own or we try to live without a safety net, we're not going to make it. I really don't want to be the only person making money and pulling the house together. I really think that sometimes he just wants to stay home like his dad and live off of everyone... Like his father. I know it's terrible to think about but I just really wish that he knew how much it bothered me. 

Some people are catching on to my mood change and personality shift but some are just clueless. When I'm acting weird or just quiet, I'm just sick of people thinking I'm mad at them or causing drama... IM ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD WITHOUT IT BEING ABOUT YOU.  Sometime I feel like no matter where I am, if I'm just having a moment or something, everyone has to end up putting all the attention on them. Sometimes I just want people to ask if I'm okay. GENUINELY okay. I miss having attention or even just some type of recognition. I really wish I could just have like a day, or even a half a day, just all about me and what I want and need. 

Everything is always my mother at home, no one else's needs or want really matter. For example, I don't want a graduation party. I just want everyone to go to eat n park or somewhere low key for dinner. My mother thinks that after graduation the best idea is to go to some fancy restaurant and to go out and just "splurge". All I want is to spend time with my friends and family. I hate going to fancy places and "splurging" for the fact, it's not real. I will NEVER be able to afford a place like that. I will never go to a place like that ever again. I will probably never WANT to go to a place like that ever again. I just wish my mother would let my graduation day all about me. I want to be able to just be me that day and not stress out or get reprimanded by my mother. 

My graduation day is something that truly means a lot to me. There were many times I couldn't picture myself graduating. I never figured I could make it through highschool or college long enough to graduate. There were times I planned on being dead by now.  There are people I wish I could be... But of course it's not possible. Carol, Dan and Alex can't come to the ceremony because even though they knew back in August, they didn't plan accordingly and can't get the days off. Graduation is a bittersweet thing for me. All the people who wanted to see this can't. Grandma, Grandpap, Grandma b all passed away before they could see me graduate and be proud of me. I wish I could have showed them that I did it.

Alan passed away and I know how much he wanted to see me graduate. 

All I really want to accomplish is an independent personality and lifestyle. I want to show everyone that I'm not just a spoiled brat. I can make it on my own and I'll be able to function as an adult. I can pay bills and I understand the concept of saving my money and planning ahead. I just wish people would see that side of me.