David has been sick the past few weeks. I hate to see him in pain and not feeling well but I hate that we can't just be functional. What I hate even more is talking to people about it. I just want him to come back to work and be productive and okay. It really bothers me that he's fairly okay with everything. I'm freaking out about his health, school, a job, my family, friends, his future, all on top of just being a human. With David being sick, I'm scared that if we live on our own or we try to live without a safety net, we're not going to make it. I really don't want to be the only person making money and pulling the house together. I really think that sometimes he just wants to stay home like his dad and live off of everyone... Like his father. I know it's terrible to think about but I just really wish that he knew how much it bothered me.
Some people are catching on to my mood change and personality shift but some are just clueless. When I'm acting weird or just quiet, I'm just sick of people thinking I'm mad at them or causing drama... IM ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD WITHOUT IT BEING ABOUT YOU. Sometime I feel like no matter where I am, if I'm just having a moment or something, everyone has to end up putting all the attention on them. Sometimes I just want people to ask if I'm okay. GENUINELY okay. I miss having attention or even just some type of recognition. I really wish I could just have like a day, or even a half a day, just all about me and what I want and need.
Everything is always my mother at home, no one else's needs or want really matter. For example, I don't want a graduation party. I just want everyone to go to eat n park or somewhere low key for dinner. My mother thinks that after graduation the best idea is to go to some fancy restaurant and to go out and just "splurge". All I want is to spend time with my friends and family. I hate going to fancy places and "splurging" for the fact, it's not real. I will NEVER be able to afford a place like that. I will never go to a place like that ever again. I will probably never WANT to go to a place like that ever again. I just wish my mother would let my graduation day all about me. I want to be able to just be me that day and not stress out or get reprimanded by my mother.
My graduation day is something that truly means a lot to me. There were many times I couldn't picture myself graduating. I never figured I could make it through highschool or college long enough to graduate. There were times I planned on being dead by now. There are people I wish I could be... But of course it's not possible. Carol, Dan and Alex can't come to the ceremony because even though they knew back in August, they didn't plan accordingly and can't get the days off. Graduation is a bittersweet thing for me. All the people who wanted to see this can't. Grandma, Grandpap, Grandma b all passed away before they could see me graduate and be proud of me. I wish I could have showed them that I did it.
Alan passed away and I know how much he wanted to see me graduate.
All I really want to accomplish is an independent personality and lifestyle. I want to show everyone that I'm not just a spoiled brat. I can make it on my own and I'll be able to function as an adult. I can pay bills and I understand the concept of saving my money and planning ahead. I just wish people would see that side of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment