Uncertainty and confusion

Today is one of those days that makes me really sad and miss the simplicity of middle school and high school. Knowing my dreams and goals and being able to set a plan in place to achieve them. It was something I almost prided myself on. I knew that one day I was going to be something people could be proud of or something where I could be a role model. I knew what I wanted. Now I'm lost.

 I got rejected from an Human Resources position at work the other day. Granted the reason was a little uplifting but it was still a rejection. My store and co-manager told me that the interview was solid and making the decision was really hard. The both thought that I was a strong candidate and that I really have a bright future. I had a genuinely good shot and I felt like I had this position in the bag. After being told about the rejection, my co-manager explained that I was in a really good position to get a department managers position. I really miss having some type of authority. I know how to function as a leader. When I got rejected, I was sad don't get me wrong, but what really struck a nerve is that I have absolutely no idea what my dream or goal is right now. I miss aspiring to be something big and interesting.

 David and I have been okay and we had a really good day the other day. We've been through a rough patch a lot recently. He is supportive and wonderful but sometimes I just need to have things be about me. When I got rejected he talked to me about it and then pretty much tried to make me understand that I couldn't be depressed and I had about zero room to be sad and feel horrible about myself. He's a great guy he really is but right now after David getting over high-blood pressure and being sick, I feel like he doesn't have the right to tell me how to function and how to feel.

We got to talk about what we want for our future. Kids, wedding, where we want to settle down. Most of the time we see eye to eye on things. I genuinely try to compromise or at least see his side of the story. I'm really nervous about being able to survive our future and being able to function independently. I wish that he understood how scared I was.

This is currently one of those times when I'm scared and I can't really describe the rest of my emotions. I don't understand anything. I feel worthless and I'm genuinely concerned that I might have some type of dysfunction or disability. I have thought for years that something was wrong with me. I never saw myself as normal or as someone who fit in. As far back as middle school and perhaps elementary school, I felt out of place and like someone different. I always wondered what exactly was wrong with me, and I wish I could find out.