This blog will reflect good and bad things that have happened to me literally in the past like two in half weeks. Get ready!
So on Thursday July 16th I was finally promoted. I start on Saturday as the Supervisor of Cosmetics. I'm so excited. I finally got something above Sales Associate. I'm so excited to be a step above someone. Currently I'm the acting Interim Supervisor of Grocery and I'm not even kidding, I've loved it. It's always busy, always insanely funny, and it's been my home for a year. Grocery has always been my home in Wal~Mart but recently with my supervisor being gone, drama has become a massive outbreak. I always thought that I would stay in grocery or at least that side of the store, now that I'm going to the other side, I'm slightly terrified. I'm happy that I get to have a really great SWAS (Store within a Store). When I found out I got the position, my co-managers pulled me into the office and told me how well I was doing at the store. They explained that since my supervisor has been on a leave, I have stepped up and helped them out a lot and they really have seen me grow with the store and really see potential with me.
David has hated Pennsylvania since he pretty much got off the plane. This is my home and as much as I get annoyed and hate it sometimes its my comfort spot. David's parents are talking about divorce and splitting up and I feel horrible but I don't want to go bail his mother out of another messed up situation. David and I can't really talk about anything because he gets angry but I don't want to move to Florida at all. I want to stay in PA and work on myself and us as a couple. I want to save money and get established with Wal~Mart and potentially get a job in my field. I want to tell him this but I can't. I can't get my emotions to come out and form a sentence to tell him. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to start all over again at Disney, Wal~Mart, or somewhere entirely new. I want to be established and just set myself up for success and happiness.
Nothing after college is the way I ever planned. I thought moving back to Florida would be an easy choice. I thought working for a massive new source or even just a known news source would be easy. I had such different plans and none of them worked out. With work finally starting to promote me and notice my hard work, I want to stay and show this store that I'm the real deal. I will work for what I want and I'm willing to go the extra mile. In the future I want to be able to do something that will be worth something and show people that I'm better then what they expect.
I can't decide what to do. Moving to Florida is something I really want but not right now, but losing David would be a big blow and not moving means losing him. I'm devastated and so utterly lost. I'm not sure what to do but I need help and my main rocks to lean on are gone. I feel honestly alone and abandoned. I miss having people to talk to and to just genuinely bitch at. I need someone to listen to my rants and then give me advice and just talk to me. I hope that getting this promotion will help me and give me some type of sign to go off of.
I wish that I could get a guidebook to life. I feel like a complete failure and no matter what I do I just keep failing. Don't get me wrong a promotion is a step in the right direction but I still feel like no matter what I do I'm failing someone. I just to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that I'm taking care of myself. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
Monday, July 20, 2015
Friday, July 3, 2015
Defeat
So as I'm writing this, I hear the booming of fireworks celebrating the United States freedom. This is somewhat annoying to me right now.
So I graduated college essentially earning my own... Freedom (get the connection now?) I had a wonderful few days when I felt accomplished and like I could take o the world. After those few days ended, that feeling switched drastically. I'm almost convinced that I started binge eating fast food and giving up has become my favorite new phrase. I really have never felt more defeated but I'm trying so hard to make those around me proud. Its to the point I'm annoyed by everything.
It sort of started when we announced that the structure of our store was changing. There were supervisor positions opening that I would have loved to be considered for. I felt like maybe this would be the easiest way to climb up the ladder and eventually become more then just a generic sales floor associate. They just closed the reqs. which means that whoever told people they wanted the job will be considered. I'm nervous because I really want some of these positions. Adding to the nerves, my supervisor is on a leave from work. They want to put an interim supervisor in her position to help until she comes back. Now I would be okay with this but no one has approached me with any of this.
I'm nervous because before she left there was a rumor that she told our store manager (who has since left) that she wanted another associate to take over grocery. I was devastated and I still am. I feel horrible that she is going through a misfortune right now but I'm frustrated with that rumor that hasn't ceased since she left. She may not be working right now but she still comes in the store. I want to talk to her about it and explain that it really hurt me and how awful I still feel but I don't know how to do it.
Anyone can tell you that I seem outgoing and I'm strong willed and I normally talk a lot. I normally am that way, until it comes to certain situations. I can be come a clam and just shut down. Handling work right now is turning me into a stressed out panic attacking clam. Someone said the other day that since I started "trying to step up" and be supervisor that grocery has gone to shit and it's awful. I really took that to heart and pretty much cried. I hate that people could say that. I have been trying so hard to keep grocery look good and to try to keep it okay enough that when my supervisor comes back it's not terrible. For someone to tell me that it was horrible was probably the lowest blow I could have gotten. I came home and cried for a good 45 minutes before I realized that the person that said that has been in the department longer then me. Rumor has it that they passed their supervisor test. So I thought about it. Grocery looks terrible since I stepped up to the plate.... Not anyone else. No one has even once approached a manager or someone about our paper work or price changes or anything else.
Work and my future have me really defeated right now. There's a joke at work that if you are feeling defeated its time for a promotion. I feel like even though I'm defeated I will never get a promotion because I don't deserve one. After all of the rumors and things being said get around the store, I feel like I'm not even going to be considered for a supervisor position. I'm terrified and at the same time I'm defeated and I give up. I could really use some good news or just happiness right now.
So I graduated college essentially earning my own... Freedom (get the connection now?) I had a wonderful few days when I felt accomplished and like I could take o the world. After those few days ended, that feeling switched drastically. I'm almost convinced that I started binge eating fast food and giving up has become my favorite new phrase. I really have never felt more defeated but I'm trying so hard to make those around me proud. Its to the point I'm annoyed by everything.
It sort of started when we announced that the structure of our store was changing. There were supervisor positions opening that I would have loved to be considered for. I felt like maybe this would be the easiest way to climb up the ladder and eventually become more then just a generic sales floor associate. They just closed the reqs. which means that whoever told people they wanted the job will be considered. I'm nervous because I really want some of these positions. Adding to the nerves, my supervisor is on a leave from work. They want to put an interim supervisor in her position to help until she comes back. Now I would be okay with this but no one has approached me with any of this.
I'm nervous because before she left there was a rumor that she told our store manager (who has since left) that she wanted another associate to take over grocery. I was devastated and I still am. I feel horrible that she is going through a misfortune right now but I'm frustrated with that rumor that hasn't ceased since she left. She may not be working right now but she still comes in the store. I want to talk to her about it and explain that it really hurt me and how awful I still feel but I don't know how to do it.
Anyone can tell you that I seem outgoing and I'm strong willed and I normally talk a lot. I normally am that way, until it comes to certain situations. I can be come a clam and just shut down. Handling work right now is turning me into a stressed out panic attacking clam. Someone said the other day that since I started "trying to step up" and be supervisor that grocery has gone to shit and it's awful. I really took that to heart and pretty much cried. I hate that people could say that. I have been trying so hard to keep grocery look good and to try to keep it okay enough that when my supervisor comes back it's not terrible. For someone to tell me that it was horrible was probably the lowest blow I could have gotten. I came home and cried for a good 45 minutes before I realized that the person that said that has been in the department longer then me. Rumor has it that they passed their supervisor test. So I thought about it. Grocery looks terrible since I stepped up to the plate.... Not anyone else. No one has even once approached a manager or someone about our paper work or price changes or anything else.
Work and my future have me really defeated right now. There's a joke at work that if you are feeling defeated its time for a promotion. I feel like even though I'm defeated I will never get a promotion because I don't deserve one. After all of the rumors and things being said get around the store, I feel like I'm not even going to be considered for a supervisor position. I'm terrified and at the same time I'm defeated and I give up. I could really use some good news or just happiness right now.
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