Advantage

You know what pisses me off. When I try everything in my power to make people happy and nothing ever works. I literally bend over backwards to make myself accessible and readily available to help people and I get nothing in return.

Yesterday I went to work at 8am and stayed until 5pm just to come home, shower, try to sleep and be back to work at 9pm -7am. I'm beyond tired and when I walked into work this morning to clock out, I showed management some ideas I got from the other store that would help our store out. They all laughed at me and pretty much said it was stupid. I didn't get a real answer why or anything just a flat out no. I was so mad. I really just don't understand how they can say no to something when they didn't even get to see my vision or even try to understand what I'm saying. 

Also, my mother has a staph infection. David is a carrier for staph so he has to be fairly careful right now. I'm trying to help him and not make a big deal about it. I'm not a carrier and I don't understand all of the limitations but I'm trying. He is being miserable and stayed balled up in bed all day instead of just asking me or telling me to help him. He already doesn't try to make things okay with my mother but now it's nearly impossible to even remotely be normal. I feel like he's mad at me for something I don't understand and I'm placed in a situation I know nothing about.

I feel so low on myself and I feel like a failure. I'm not sure what I can do to rebound. I feel useless and pretty much stupid. I wish I could just take a mini vacation and get away by myself for a while. I feel like some alone time could really do me a lot of good but at the same time if I go away I'm scared I would come back to nothing and sheer madness. The only thing that is helping me push through is that fact the I have One Direction tickets for their Pittsburgh show in August. I really want to see them but I also really want to run away. My future is so nuts right now I'm scared.

I wish I could just explain this to someone in my household, David, my sisters, anyone but no one is around for my meltdowns. I have been around for just about everyone's tough times. Now that I'm having a rough time there is no one here who can help me. I feel somewhat abandoned. I barely speak to Sarah since I'm still somewhat heartbroken that she didn't come to my graduation or anything. I am trying to move on and trying to continue our friendship but I'm just so hurt and ruined. I really have no idea where to turn.

Becoming Content.

As I lay in bed tonight, I am content in my situation I never saw coming. 

We can start off with what is happening right this second. David is quietly snoring and heavly passed out. He worked today. I was lucky enough to have the day off. My parents are in the house doing their own thing. It seems stupid but that might be my favorite thing they do. 

I used to plan my life years and years ahead of what was necessary. I have recently started going with the flow. I applied to Disney with somewhat of a false sense of security. I didn't let myself apply anywhere else or even consider the fact I may not get into Disney. Now I somewhat regret it but I also understand myself a lot better now. I still stock groceries and pretty do a brainless job at Walmart but I have come to look forward to my shifts. The peope I work with have become an extended family. I have people who I can have detailed conversations with about things that still haunt my every move. I also have the team that is willing to help me move up in the company and show me the ropes to climb to the top. Let's be honest, no ones dream job is being a Walmart employee but so far I have been able to find some people that will be my friends for life and will be apart of whatever journey I end up going on . 

My parents and I have evolved our relationships. My dad and I never had a super close relationship. After I told my dad he got a sense of pride and pretty much told everyone he could about my newest adventure. My dad since then has been supportive of just about everything I do. He has had his fair share of struggles but seems to genuinely want to support and care about David and me.  My mother on the other hand has not been as positive. Before I got accepted into the Disney College Program, my mom and I had a best friends type of relationship. We were always together or at least super close. After I got accepted she was convinced I would never go back to school to graduate and that I was throwing my life away. I have recently been somewhat short with her and pretty much avoiding her as much as possible which is actually killing me inside. I miss having her to laugh with and to joke around with. I guess times change and that nothing can stay the same though. 

I have been finding myself, late at night, reading what Tumblr calls One Direction imagines. Its pretty much little stories that people create where you are in a relationship with one of the boys or in various situations with them. I have been thinking a lot of the situations and what it would be like to go through some of the stuff with different people. Noww let's not get the wrong idea. I  love David to the moon and back but sometimes thinking of other people just adds a new way of thinking about things. If I really was with Harry Styles or Zayn Malik how would my life be different and how would I be handling the things I currently have going on. 

I'm trying somewhat hard to reconnect with my family now that school is over and I'm in the real world. I made lunch plans with Michelle for Wednesday and I'm really excited to see her. She came to my graduation which I appreciated but now I get to have a relationship with her. Since we both went through a lot in the past two to three years we have become somewhat closer and I'm thankful we have each other to lean on.