Land of the Lonely

So nothing much has changed in my life. The only major events has been hanging out with friends and working, which is honestly really sad. Both have consumed my time and both have significantly made me somewhat depressed recently. 

Work has been tough. I feel like I'm doing so well and then all of the sudden someone comes along and tears me down. I have been trying so hard to get a routine and just do everything I need to but somehow I keep forgetting things or it's not good enough. I honestly wish I could get some type of reassurance but I feel like it's never going to happen. My direct manager is younger then me and has everything handed to him. It's really frustrating for me to see someone who is younger, with no real education outside of high school, who was handed an easy department, and who has support the whole time he needed it. He tries to explain things to me and I end up just getting angry because nothing he says makes sense. Consumables is a whole different ball game and for him to explain things to me just gets me mad because he doesn't get it. 

What frustrates me even more is the fact that I feel like I'm genuinely putting forth a good effort and I can't get a break. Finally people are starting to realize that my counterpart is an idiot that doesn't do anything and that I do a lot more then they think. I wish I could just let work stay at work and not take it personally but after having a tour on Tuesday, I don't think I will ever be able to not take things personally. My tour went horribly and it really hurt me. I tried so hard to understand what he was looking for out of my department and everytime I asked, I just got a death glare. He kept leaving the tour to take care of other stuff. I felt like a last priority. We are constantly told that we are like the store manager of our department. We are told to run our department like we would our own store. That's impossible. We have to adhere to CAP rules and to multiple other stupid rules so we don't really have the freedom or creative ability to run our department like we would if it was truly ours. 

About 99% of my friends are from work. It feels stupid that I can't make friends outside of work but at the same time I don't really do anything to make friends. I guess it sucks because I feel like I do stuff at work that ruins my friendships and once those friendships are gone I have nothing. Honestly I thought I might have a really good friend at work but they kind of ruined my trust by telling David a bunch of stuff and pretty much just telling people things I didn't want people to know. I have other friends but this one seemed to be genuinely concerned and help me through things.

Now I have kept my dating profiles, which again, has proved itself to be useless. No one messages me or even views me. It's honestly just become a confidence killer. I check it all too frequently and I shouldn't. Around Thanksgiving I was talking to some people and I got this message from a girl. I responded and that's where things went South. I became confused because I actually started to care about this person. The only issue is that we became close. This girl became really close to me and I started to like her. On Christmas, she texted me to apologize for sleeping with her ex. I didn't know how truly hurt I was until I went back to work and started my routine again without her in it. It sucked. Now I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm not pretty enough or good enough. I know it's stupid but I just don't see myself finding anyone who will truly love me. 

On a side note, I have become a lot depressed and have thought about things that I know I shouldn't be thinking about. I think it's just the weight of the world weighing on my shoulders but it seems so much more then that. I have tried just about everything to help my depression but as of right now I'm miserable and I hate it. I can't shake the feeling of just being a failure and just being useless. No matter what I do I can't figure out how to feel good about myself or to even just feel happy. I feel like I'm constantly hiding from everyone and I'm just letting them down no matter what I do.

Broken

Today I am trying so hard to just get my life together. There are so many things that have changed and it's actually ridiculous to me how different things have become.

David is back in Pennsylvania and has been for a while. He came back almost a week after he left. We broke up September 22nd and he was literally back in Pennsylvania 5 days later. I had ZERO idea that he had intentions of coming back up here. He stayed a night with Tyler and has since been staying with Scott who has become a part of our group. It's weird to me since David and Scott were never super close in my eyes.

Honestly with David coming back I have put myself in therapy and have started talking about myself to people more. I'm trying so hard to fix myself and my problems. I am learning to genuinely care about myself and how others as well as I treat myself. I'm not going to even lie a little bit. Before David left for Florida I contemplated suicide multiple times. I genuinely hated my situation, my relationship, and myself without fully even knowing it. After talking to my therapist and friends I have become a little more comfortable in my own skin and I am starting to look at things differently.

When David came back I continued my downward spiral drinking and making horrible choices about my life. I have since calmed down. I still drink but not as much. I go out with my friends but I am starting to make better choices concerning my health and eating habits. I know that it's not the biggest step in the right direction but it is something. I am currently in a place where I am okay with who I am and I don't completely hate everything about myself.

The person I had a crush on still exists in my life. He is still a major crutch in my life as well. He is honestly someone I have become comfortable with sharing anything with. Unfortunately everyone has found out about my feelings for this person due to my drunkenness and stupidity. He has all but told me that nothing will ever happen romantically but at the same time there has been promising moments that have given me hope. He has been on dating sites meeting girls and going on dates but none of them have seemed to pan out. He has met this girl who invited them to her Halloween party and seems to like him but he's not sure about her. Honestly it sucks to hear about his girls that he meets because he wont even give me a chance but he will give pretty much anyone else a chance.

I had 2 date profiles of separate sites. I met some people who seemed okay but turned out to be a little rough. There was a guy who seemed to really hit it off with me and really wanted to meet up. We talked for about a week and started acting really weird. He kept telling me how much he missed me and how much he started falling for me. I had never met him in person and honestly I was getting creeped out. I tried to cut off contact and block his number. Thankfully I was out with my friends and he started texting me from another number. Becca and someone else took my phone and pretty much put him in his place telling him that he knew nothing about me and was being rude.

My friends genuinely seem to stand up for me no matter what. I'm not sure why or even specific examples right now but honestly I appreciate them more then they will ever know.

Now after saying that, I wish I could explain my paranoia but I feel like my friends hate me. I know I ask EVERYTHING from them and it's not fair. They literally support me everyday and I feel like I give them nothing in return. I wish I could somehow show them all the gratitude I owe them but I have no idea how. I want to be able to lose the feeling that they hate me. I know they don't, I know that they get annoyed and sick of my blabbering but sometimes they are the only people I talk to in a day. I very rarely talk to my parents or sisters about anything personal and my two/three best friends are the only people I talk to about stuff... Literally ONLY people.

It has been a tough haul and it's not going to get easier anytime soon. With David starting back to work tomorrow, I'm somewhat scared about how civil and tame things will be.

I hope that things will get better soon and hopefully things will start looking up for my love life!

Chances

So much has happened. David and I broke up. Well actually I broke up with him. It was a tough decision but now I see just how screwed up that relationship made me. I have realized that it was a very one sided relationship.

After breaking up, I realized that I was becoming a completely different person. I wasn't ever really happy. I feel so low on myself. I feel miserable. There were so many times things were said and now all I hear is the negativity playing over and over again in my head. I hear how horrible I am and how pointless I am. I wish I could lose the feeling of uselessness but I can't. 

I can't really say I miss being in a relationship because towards the end we just fought and hated each other. I know that in time I will be able to say differently I'm sure but right now, the alone time and just self awareness is helpful.

Right now I'm trying to surround myself with friends and family. I know my last post was about this guy I like. I do like him but I also know that right now I need to focus on myself and friends before I start to try relationships or anything deeper. 

Yesterday at work, my store manager asked me what was holding me back from success. In a different context this was probably the easiest question I was asked all week, but when I came home I thought about it. What is holding me back from success in my personal life. Honestly, I think this is the first time I miss having human contact. Like I might actually do anything to just get a hug from a guy to remind me that I'm protected. I also know that I'm spiraling downward and I need to fix that. Today is the first day of fixing that. 

There is a One Direction lyric that literally describes my feelings. "How many nights does it take to the stars, that's the time it would take to fix my heart..... How many nights have you wished someone would stay, lay awake only hoping their okay." I'm broken I admit that, but I can't sleep knowing that my friends might be miserable or even hurt by something I did. I know that I'm one of those people that takes things personally and if my friends are having a tough time I want to do everything possible to help them, even if I know I can't. On that same topic, I feel like no one worries about me and no one stays awake thinking of me. I wish that I could just have a person who I could always go to for a pick me up or just as a person who I know will hit on me and make me feel better about myself.

I want to meet someone who could understand all I've been through and still be able to appreciate me and potentially grow to love me. I just want something that I can count on to make me happy. Right now my friends are the only things that make me happy but I dont think that will last long for the fact I can't get close to them because a lot of them are still talking to David. 

I'm just in a tough place right now and I know in order to get to a better place I need help and I need to worry about myself. I'm horrible at worrying about myself because I'm hard on myself. I really hope that this ends well for me. .com,3

GodSent

So I'm typing this from what may possibly be the most lonely moment I have felt in years. I'm sitting on my couch watching tv while I should be cleaning up the mess from David.

September 17th, three days ago, David flew to Florida without me. He got a job and against my better judgement, I let him go. His mom and dad have officially separated and David wanted to go take care of her. I wish that he knew that this is killing me. There is so much happening. David's mom hasn't really given me a reason to trust her or given me a reason to even care about their separation. I told David that I wanted to stay here and get my financials together, but I think I mostly just want to focus on myself and my family, before I take on this commitment. 

My friends from work have been a blessing and they have taken care of me. They eat with me lunch, they text me and talk, they genuinely seem to care. This is one of the many things I have grown to appreciate about being here while David is in Florida. On top of this, my biggest issue is that my friends from work have been amazing but they have been so amazing I'm starting to freak myself out. One of David and I's friend has been super sweet and has been amazing to me. This seems to be an issue to me, because I am starting to fall for this person. This person has been my right hand person for the past few weeks. After a break-up from their significant other, they counted on to help them through their rough patch which of course I was happy to do, but now I'm terrified that I'm messing up my relationship to be with someone who doesn't even want to be with me. I know that I'm not this person's type and that they would never date me.

After David left, he has become fairly appreciative of me. I really do miss him but I'm confused because of this other person. I have spent two years of my life loving the same guy and admittedly I'm scared. I'm terrified that even with two years, David may still not the person I end up or worse yet, I'm just not ready for commitment. I want to be happy and I'm not entirely sure that David makes me happy. 

Today Allie, Lindsay, and Becca are taking me to Kennywood. I'm actually excited for the fact, I have friends who care enough to take me out and take care of me while I'm miserable . Becca and I have gotten somewhat close and I'm so thankful for that. I feel like I don't really have friends here anymore, but Becca has really been there for me and she's listen to me be miserable and just complain about everything. she really has been a godsent. 

This other person, has also probably seen me at my worst and the they have taken care of me. They have made sure that I have been taken care of myself and that I'm not being rash or stupid. They take me out for food and drinks. It's not cheating because I refuse to admit feelings. The only person that knows about this other person is Becca and thankfully she won't tell or even hint about it to anyone. 

Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like. I would love to have some type of manual or handbook that shows me how I'm going to end up or at least tell me if I'm going to be happy. I know that most people dream of their future and how it turns out, but recently I've been dreading it and it's stressing me out. I really hope that things get figured out soon.

Changes

This blog will reflect good and bad things that have happened to me literally in the past like two in half weeks. Get ready!

So on Thursday July 16th I was finally promoted. I start on Saturday as the Supervisor of Cosmetics. I'm so excited. I finally got something above Sales Associate. I'm so excited to be a step above someone. Currently I'm the acting Interim Supervisor of Grocery and I'm not even kidding, I've loved it. It's always busy, always insanely funny, and it's been my home for a year. Grocery has always been my home in Wal~Mart but recently with my supervisor being gone, drama has become a massive outbreak. I always thought that I would stay in grocery or at least that side of the store, now that I'm going to the other side, I'm slightly terrified. I'm happy that I get to have a really great SWAS (Store within a Store). When I found out I got the position, my co-managers pulled me into the office and told me how well I was doing at the store. They explained that since my supervisor has been on a leave, I have stepped up and helped them out a lot and they really have seen me grow with the store and really see potential with me.

David has hated Pennsylvania since he pretty much got off the plane. This is my home and as much as I get annoyed and hate it sometimes its my comfort spot. David's parents are talking about divorce and splitting up and I feel horrible but I don't want to go bail his mother out of another messed up situation. David and I can't really talk about anything because he gets angry but I don't want to move to Florida at all. I want to stay in PA and work on myself and us as a couple. I want to save money and get established with Wal~Mart and potentially get a job in my field. I want to tell him this but I can't. I can't get my emotions to come out and form a sentence to tell him. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to start all over again at Disney, Wal~Mart, or somewhere entirely new. I want to be established and just set myself up for success and happiness.

Nothing after college is the way I ever planned. I thought moving back to Florida would be an easy choice. I thought working for a massive new source or even just a known news source would be easy. I had such different plans and none of them worked out. With work finally starting to promote me and notice my hard work, I want to stay and show this store that I'm the real deal. I will work for what I want and I'm willing to go the extra mile. In the future I want to be able to do something that will be worth something and show people that I'm better then what they expect.

I can't decide what to do. Moving to Florida is something I really want but not right now, but losing David would be a big blow and not moving means losing him. I'm devastated and so utterly lost. I'm not sure what to do but I need help and my main rocks to lean on are gone. I feel honestly alone and abandoned. I miss having people to talk to and to just genuinely bitch at. I need someone to listen to my rants and then give me advice and just talk to me. I hope that getting this promotion will help me and give me some type of sign to go off of.

I wish that I could get a guidebook to life. I feel like a complete failure and no matter what I do I just keep failing. Don't get me wrong a promotion is a step in the right direction but I still feel like no matter what I do I'm failing someone. I just to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that I'm taking care of myself. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Defeat

So as I'm writing this, I hear the booming of fireworks celebrating the United States freedom. This is somewhat annoying to me right now.

So I graduated college essentially earning my own... Freedom (get the connection now?) I had a wonderful few days when I felt accomplished and like I could take o the world. After those few days ended, that feeling switched drastically. I'm almost convinced that I started binge eating fast food and giving up has become my favorite new phrase. I really have never felt more defeated but I'm trying so hard to make those around me proud. Its to the point I'm annoyed by everything.

It sort of started when we announced that the structure of our store was changing. There were supervisor positions opening that I would have loved to be considered for. I felt like maybe this would be the easiest way to climb up the ladder and eventually become more then just a generic sales floor associate. They just closed the reqs. which means that whoever told people they wanted the job will be considered. I'm nervous because I really want some of these positions. Adding to the nerves, my supervisor is on a leave from work. They want to put an interim supervisor in her position to help until she comes back. Now I would be okay with this but no one has approached me with any of this.

I'm nervous because before she left there was a rumor that she told our store manager (who has since left) that she wanted another associate to take over grocery. I was devastated and I still am. I feel horrible that she is going through a misfortune right now but I'm frustrated with that rumor that hasn't ceased since she left. She may not be working right now but she still comes in the store. I want to talk to her about it and explain that it really hurt me and how awful I still feel but I don't know how to do it.

Anyone can tell you that I seem outgoing and I'm strong willed and I normally talk a lot. I normally am that way, until it comes to certain situations. I can be come a clam and just shut down. Handling work right now is turning me into a stressed out panic attacking clam. Someone said the other day that since I started "trying to step up" and be supervisor that grocery has gone to shit and it's awful. I really took that to heart and pretty much cried. I hate that people could say that. I have been trying so hard to keep grocery look good and to try to keep it okay enough that when my supervisor comes back it's not terrible. For someone to tell me that it was horrible was probably the lowest blow I could have gotten. I came home and cried for a good 45 minutes before I realized that the person that said that has been in the department longer then me. Rumor has it that they passed their supervisor test. So I thought about it. Grocery looks terrible since I stepped up to the plate.... Not anyone else. No one has even once approached a manager or someone about our paper work or price changes or anything else.

Work and my future have me really defeated right now. There's a joke at work that if you are feeling defeated its time for a promotion. I feel like even though I'm defeated I will never get a promotion because I don't deserve one. After all of the rumors and things being said get around the store, I feel like I'm not even going to be considered for a supervisor position. I'm terrified and at the same time I'm defeated and I give up. I could really use some good news or just happiness right now.

Advantage

You know what pisses me off. When I try everything in my power to make people happy and nothing ever works. I literally bend over backwards to make myself accessible and readily available to help people and I get nothing in return.

Yesterday I went to work at 8am and stayed until 5pm just to come home, shower, try to sleep and be back to work at 9pm -7am. I'm beyond tired and when I walked into work this morning to clock out, I showed management some ideas I got from the other store that would help our store out. They all laughed at me and pretty much said it was stupid. I didn't get a real answer why or anything just a flat out no. I was so mad. I really just don't understand how they can say no to something when they didn't even get to see my vision or even try to understand what I'm saying. 

Also, my mother has a staph infection. David is a carrier for staph so he has to be fairly careful right now. I'm trying to help him and not make a big deal about it. I'm not a carrier and I don't understand all of the limitations but I'm trying. He is being miserable and stayed balled up in bed all day instead of just asking me or telling me to help him. He already doesn't try to make things okay with my mother but now it's nearly impossible to even remotely be normal. I feel like he's mad at me for something I don't understand and I'm placed in a situation I know nothing about.

I feel so low on myself and I feel like a failure. I'm not sure what I can do to rebound. I feel useless and pretty much stupid. I wish I could just take a mini vacation and get away by myself for a while. I feel like some alone time could really do me a lot of good but at the same time if I go away I'm scared I would come back to nothing and sheer madness. The only thing that is helping me push through is that fact the I have One Direction tickets for their Pittsburgh show in August. I really want to see them but I also really want to run away. My future is so nuts right now I'm scared.

I wish I could just explain this to someone in my household, David, my sisters, anyone but no one is around for my meltdowns. I have been around for just about everyone's tough times. Now that I'm having a rough time there is no one here who can help me. I feel somewhat abandoned. I barely speak to Sarah since I'm still somewhat heartbroken that she didn't come to my graduation or anything. I am trying to move on and trying to continue our friendship but I'm just so hurt and ruined. I really have no idea where to turn.