Broken

Today I am trying so hard to just get my life together. There are so many things that have changed and it's actually ridiculous to me how different things have become.

David is back in Pennsylvania and has been for a while. He came back almost a week after he left. We broke up September 22nd and he was literally back in Pennsylvania 5 days later. I had ZERO idea that he had intentions of coming back up here. He stayed a night with Tyler and has since been staying with Scott who has become a part of our group. It's weird to me since David and Scott were never super close in my eyes.

Honestly with David coming back I have put myself in therapy and have started talking about myself to people more. I'm trying so hard to fix myself and my problems. I am learning to genuinely care about myself and how others as well as I treat myself. I'm not going to even lie a little bit. Before David left for Florida I contemplated suicide multiple times. I genuinely hated my situation, my relationship, and myself without fully even knowing it. After talking to my therapist and friends I have become a little more comfortable in my own skin and I am starting to look at things differently.

When David came back I continued my downward spiral drinking and making horrible choices about my life. I have since calmed down. I still drink but not as much. I go out with my friends but I am starting to make better choices concerning my health and eating habits. I know that it's not the biggest step in the right direction but it is something. I am currently in a place where I am okay with who I am and I don't completely hate everything about myself.

The person I had a crush on still exists in my life. He is still a major crutch in my life as well. He is honestly someone I have become comfortable with sharing anything with. Unfortunately everyone has found out about my feelings for this person due to my drunkenness and stupidity. He has all but told me that nothing will ever happen romantically but at the same time there has been promising moments that have given me hope. He has been on dating sites meeting girls and going on dates but none of them have seemed to pan out. He has met this girl who invited them to her Halloween party and seems to like him but he's not sure about her. Honestly it sucks to hear about his girls that he meets because he wont even give me a chance but he will give pretty much anyone else a chance.

I had 2 date profiles of separate sites. I met some people who seemed okay but turned out to be a little rough. There was a guy who seemed to really hit it off with me and really wanted to meet up. We talked for about a week and started acting really weird. He kept telling me how much he missed me and how much he started falling for me. I had never met him in person and honestly I was getting creeped out. I tried to cut off contact and block his number. Thankfully I was out with my friends and he started texting me from another number. Becca and someone else took my phone and pretty much put him in his place telling him that he knew nothing about me and was being rude.

My friends genuinely seem to stand up for me no matter what. I'm not sure why or even specific examples right now but honestly I appreciate them more then they will ever know.

Now after saying that, I wish I could explain my paranoia but I feel like my friends hate me. I know I ask EVERYTHING from them and it's not fair. They literally support me everyday and I feel like I give them nothing in return. I wish I could somehow show them all the gratitude I owe them but I have no idea how. I want to be able to lose the feeling that they hate me. I know they don't, I know that they get annoyed and sick of my blabbering but sometimes they are the only people I talk to in a day. I very rarely talk to my parents or sisters about anything personal and my two/three best friends are the only people I talk to about stuff... Literally ONLY people.

It has been a tough haul and it's not going to get easier anytime soon. With David starting back to work tomorrow, I'm somewhat scared about how civil and tame things will be.

I hope that things will get better soon and hopefully things will start looking up for my love life!