Changes

This blog will reflect good and bad things that have happened to me literally in the past like two in half weeks. Get ready!

So on Thursday July 16th I was finally promoted. I start on Saturday as the Supervisor of Cosmetics. I'm so excited. I finally got something above Sales Associate. I'm so excited to be a step above someone. Currently I'm the acting Interim Supervisor of Grocery and I'm not even kidding, I've loved it. It's always busy, always insanely funny, and it's been my home for a year. Grocery has always been my home in Wal~Mart but recently with my supervisor being gone, drama has become a massive outbreak. I always thought that I would stay in grocery or at least that side of the store, now that I'm going to the other side, I'm slightly terrified. I'm happy that I get to have a really great SWAS (Store within a Store). When I found out I got the position, my co-managers pulled me into the office and told me how well I was doing at the store. They explained that since my supervisor has been on a leave, I have stepped up and helped them out a lot and they really have seen me grow with the store and really see potential with me.

David has hated Pennsylvania since he pretty much got off the plane. This is my home and as much as I get annoyed and hate it sometimes its my comfort spot. David's parents are talking about divorce and splitting up and I feel horrible but I don't want to go bail his mother out of another messed up situation. David and I can't really talk about anything because he gets angry but I don't want to move to Florida at all. I want to stay in PA and work on myself and us as a couple. I want to save money and get established with Wal~Mart and potentially get a job in my field. I want to tell him this but I can't. I can't get my emotions to come out and form a sentence to tell him. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to start all over again at Disney, Wal~Mart, or somewhere entirely new. I want to be established and just set myself up for success and happiness.

Nothing after college is the way I ever planned. I thought moving back to Florida would be an easy choice. I thought working for a massive new source or even just a known news source would be easy. I had such different plans and none of them worked out. With work finally starting to promote me and notice my hard work, I want to stay and show this store that I'm the real deal. I will work for what I want and I'm willing to go the extra mile. In the future I want to be able to do something that will be worth something and show people that I'm better then what they expect.

I can't decide what to do. Moving to Florida is something I really want but not right now, but losing David would be a big blow and not moving means losing him. I'm devastated and so utterly lost. I'm not sure what to do but I need help and my main rocks to lean on are gone. I feel honestly alone and abandoned. I miss having people to talk to and to just genuinely bitch at. I need someone to listen to my rants and then give me advice and just talk to me. I hope that getting this promotion will help me and give me some type of sign to go off of.

I wish that I could get a guidebook to life. I feel like a complete failure and no matter what I do I just keep failing. Don't get me wrong a promotion is a step in the right direction but I still feel like no matter what I do I'm failing someone. I just to make sure I'm doing the right thing and that I'm taking care of myself. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Defeat

So as I'm writing this, I hear the booming of fireworks celebrating the United States freedom. This is somewhat annoying to me right now.

So I graduated college essentially earning my own... Freedom (get the connection now?) I had a wonderful few days when I felt accomplished and like I could take o the world. After those few days ended, that feeling switched drastically. I'm almost convinced that I started binge eating fast food and giving up has become my favorite new phrase. I really have never felt more defeated but I'm trying so hard to make those around me proud. Its to the point I'm annoyed by everything.

It sort of started when we announced that the structure of our store was changing. There were supervisor positions opening that I would have loved to be considered for. I felt like maybe this would be the easiest way to climb up the ladder and eventually become more then just a generic sales floor associate. They just closed the reqs. which means that whoever told people they wanted the job will be considered. I'm nervous because I really want some of these positions. Adding to the nerves, my supervisor is on a leave from work. They want to put an interim supervisor in her position to help until she comes back. Now I would be okay with this but no one has approached me with any of this.

I'm nervous because before she left there was a rumor that she told our store manager (who has since left) that she wanted another associate to take over grocery. I was devastated and I still am. I feel horrible that she is going through a misfortune right now but I'm frustrated with that rumor that hasn't ceased since she left. She may not be working right now but she still comes in the store. I want to talk to her about it and explain that it really hurt me and how awful I still feel but I don't know how to do it.

Anyone can tell you that I seem outgoing and I'm strong willed and I normally talk a lot. I normally am that way, until it comes to certain situations. I can be come a clam and just shut down. Handling work right now is turning me into a stressed out panic attacking clam. Someone said the other day that since I started "trying to step up" and be supervisor that grocery has gone to shit and it's awful. I really took that to heart and pretty much cried. I hate that people could say that. I have been trying so hard to keep grocery look good and to try to keep it okay enough that when my supervisor comes back it's not terrible. For someone to tell me that it was horrible was probably the lowest blow I could have gotten. I came home and cried for a good 45 minutes before I realized that the person that said that has been in the department longer then me. Rumor has it that they passed their supervisor test. So I thought about it. Grocery looks terrible since I stepped up to the plate.... Not anyone else. No one has even once approached a manager or someone about our paper work or price changes or anything else.

Work and my future have me really defeated right now. There's a joke at work that if you are feeling defeated its time for a promotion. I feel like even though I'm defeated I will never get a promotion because I don't deserve one. After all of the rumors and things being said get around the store, I feel like I'm not even going to be considered for a supervisor position. I'm terrified and at the same time I'm defeated and I give up. I could really use some good news or just happiness right now.

Advantage

You know what pisses me off. When I try everything in my power to make people happy and nothing ever works. I literally bend over backwards to make myself accessible and readily available to help people and I get nothing in return.

Yesterday I went to work at 8am and stayed until 5pm just to come home, shower, try to sleep and be back to work at 9pm -7am. I'm beyond tired and when I walked into work this morning to clock out, I showed management some ideas I got from the other store that would help our store out. They all laughed at me and pretty much said it was stupid. I didn't get a real answer why or anything just a flat out no. I was so mad. I really just don't understand how they can say no to something when they didn't even get to see my vision or even try to understand what I'm saying. 

Also, my mother has a staph infection. David is a carrier for staph so he has to be fairly careful right now. I'm trying to help him and not make a big deal about it. I'm not a carrier and I don't understand all of the limitations but I'm trying. He is being miserable and stayed balled up in bed all day instead of just asking me or telling me to help him. He already doesn't try to make things okay with my mother but now it's nearly impossible to even remotely be normal. I feel like he's mad at me for something I don't understand and I'm placed in a situation I know nothing about.

I feel so low on myself and I feel like a failure. I'm not sure what I can do to rebound. I feel useless and pretty much stupid. I wish I could just take a mini vacation and get away by myself for a while. I feel like some alone time could really do me a lot of good but at the same time if I go away I'm scared I would come back to nothing and sheer madness. The only thing that is helping me push through is that fact the I have One Direction tickets for their Pittsburgh show in August. I really want to see them but I also really want to run away. My future is so nuts right now I'm scared.

I wish I could just explain this to someone in my household, David, my sisters, anyone but no one is around for my meltdowns. I have been around for just about everyone's tough times. Now that I'm having a rough time there is no one here who can help me. I feel somewhat abandoned. I barely speak to Sarah since I'm still somewhat heartbroken that she didn't come to my graduation or anything. I am trying to move on and trying to continue our friendship but I'm just so hurt and ruined. I really have no idea where to turn.

Becoming Content.

As I lay in bed tonight, I am content in my situation I never saw coming. 

We can start off with what is happening right this second. David is quietly snoring and heavly passed out. He worked today. I was lucky enough to have the day off. My parents are in the house doing their own thing. It seems stupid but that might be my favorite thing they do. 

I used to plan my life years and years ahead of what was necessary. I have recently started going with the flow. I applied to Disney with somewhat of a false sense of security. I didn't let myself apply anywhere else or even consider the fact I may not get into Disney. Now I somewhat regret it but I also understand myself a lot better now. I still stock groceries and pretty do a brainless job at Walmart but I have come to look forward to my shifts. The peope I work with have become an extended family. I have people who I can have detailed conversations with about things that still haunt my every move. I also have the team that is willing to help me move up in the company and show me the ropes to climb to the top. Let's be honest, no ones dream job is being a Walmart employee but so far I have been able to find some people that will be my friends for life and will be apart of whatever journey I end up going on . 

My parents and I have evolved our relationships. My dad and I never had a super close relationship. After I told my dad he got a sense of pride and pretty much told everyone he could about my newest adventure. My dad since then has been supportive of just about everything I do. He has had his fair share of struggles but seems to genuinely want to support and care about David and me.  My mother on the other hand has not been as positive. Before I got accepted into the Disney College Program, my mom and I had a best friends type of relationship. We were always together or at least super close. After I got accepted she was convinced I would never go back to school to graduate and that I was throwing my life away. I have recently been somewhat short with her and pretty much avoiding her as much as possible which is actually killing me inside. I miss having her to laugh with and to joke around with. I guess times change and that nothing can stay the same though. 

I have been finding myself, late at night, reading what Tumblr calls One Direction imagines. Its pretty much little stories that people create where you are in a relationship with one of the boys or in various situations with them. I have been thinking a lot of the situations and what it would be like to go through some of the stuff with different people. Noww let's not get the wrong idea. I  love David to the moon and back but sometimes thinking of other people just adds a new way of thinking about things. If I really was with Harry Styles or Zayn Malik how would my life be different and how would I be handling the things I currently have going on. 

I'm trying somewhat hard to reconnect with my family now that school is over and I'm in the real world. I made lunch plans with Michelle for Wednesday and I'm really excited to see her. She came to my graduation which I appreciated but now I get to have a relationship with her. Since we both went through a lot in the past two to three years we have become somewhat closer and I'm thankful we have each other to lean on. 

Uncertainty and confusion

Today is one of those days that makes me really sad and miss the simplicity of middle school and high school. Knowing my dreams and goals and being able to set a plan in place to achieve them. It was something I almost prided myself on. I knew that one day I was going to be something people could be proud of or something where I could be a role model. I knew what I wanted. Now I'm lost.

 I got rejected from an Human Resources position at work the other day. Granted the reason was a little uplifting but it was still a rejection. My store and co-manager told me that the interview was solid and making the decision was really hard. The both thought that I was a strong candidate and that I really have a bright future. I had a genuinely good shot and I felt like I had this position in the bag. After being told about the rejection, my co-manager explained that I was in a really good position to get a department managers position. I really miss having some type of authority. I know how to function as a leader. When I got rejected, I was sad don't get me wrong, but what really struck a nerve is that I have absolutely no idea what my dream or goal is right now. I miss aspiring to be something big and interesting.

 David and I have been okay and we had a really good day the other day. We've been through a rough patch a lot recently. He is supportive and wonderful but sometimes I just need to have things be about me. When I got rejected he talked to me about it and then pretty much tried to make me understand that I couldn't be depressed and I had about zero room to be sad and feel horrible about myself. He's a great guy he really is but right now after David getting over high-blood pressure and being sick, I feel like he doesn't have the right to tell me how to function and how to feel.

We got to talk about what we want for our future. Kids, wedding, where we want to settle down. Most of the time we see eye to eye on things. I genuinely try to compromise or at least see his side of the story. I'm really nervous about being able to survive our future and being able to function independently. I wish that he understood how scared I was.

This is currently one of those times when I'm scared and I can't really describe the rest of my emotions. I don't understand anything. I feel worthless and I'm genuinely concerned that I might have some type of dysfunction or disability. I have thought for years that something was wrong with me. I never saw myself as normal or as someone who fit in. As far back as middle school and perhaps elementary school, I felt out of place and like someone different. I always wondered what exactly was wrong with me, and I wish I could find out.

Who knows...

Sometimes I feel like I'll just never understand people. Everyone knows about the Disney rejection, but people still ask about my future, especially at work. Everything is so unclear right now. I know I have time and it's not super important to buckle down right now. Sometimes I just wish everything was perfect for five seconds. I wish that I could be a honors student that everyone could brag about. I wish I could be the stunningly beautiful girl that everyone is friends with. I wish I could have some type of backup magical money fund so I could go out with said friends and let loose. 

David has been sick the past few weeks. I hate to see him in pain and not feeling well but I hate that we can't just be functional. What I hate even more is talking to people about it. I just want him to come back to work and be productive and okay. It really bothers me that he's fairly okay with everything. I'm freaking out about his health, school, a job, my family, friends, his future, all on top of just being a human. With David being sick, I'm scared that if we live on our own or we try to live without a safety net, we're not going to make it. I really don't want to be the only person making money and pulling the house together. I really think that sometimes he just wants to stay home like his dad and live off of everyone... Like his father. I know it's terrible to think about but I just really wish that he knew how much it bothered me. 

Some people are catching on to my mood change and personality shift but some are just clueless. When I'm acting weird or just quiet, I'm just sick of people thinking I'm mad at them or causing drama... IM ALLOWED TO FEEL BAD WITHOUT IT BEING ABOUT YOU.  Sometime I feel like no matter where I am, if I'm just having a moment or something, everyone has to end up putting all the attention on them. Sometimes I just want people to ask if I'm okay. GENUINELY okay. I miss having attention or even just some type of recognition. I really wish I could just have like a day, or even a half a day, just all about me and what I want and need. 

Everything is always my mother at home, no one else's needs or want really matter. For example, I don't want a graduation party. I just want everyone to go to eat n park or somewhere low key for dinner. My mother thinks that after graduation the best idea is to go to some fancy restaurant and to go out and just "splurge". All I want is to spend time with my friends and family. I hate going to fancy places and "splurging" for the fact, it's not real. I will NEVER be able to afford a place like that. I will never go to a place like that ever again. I will probably never WANT to go to a place like that ever again. I just wish my mother would let my graduation day all about me. I want to be able to just be me that day and not stress out or get reprimanded by my mother. 

My graduation day is something that truly means a lot to me. There were many times I couldn't picture myself graduating. I never figured I could make it through highschool or college long enough to graduate. There were times I planned on being dead by now.  There are people I wish I could be... But of course it's not possible. Carol, Dan and Alex can't come to the ceremony because even though they knew back in August, they didn't plan accordingly and can't get the days off. Graduation is a bittersweet thing for me. All the people who wanted to see this can't. Grandma, Grandpap, Grandma b all passed away before they could see me graduate and be proud of me. I wish I could have showed them that I did it.

Alan passed away and I know how much he wanted to see me graduate. 

All I really want to accomplish is an independent personality and lifestyle. I want to show everyone that I'm not just a spoiled brat. I can make it on my own and I'll be able to function as an adult. I can pay bills and I understand the concept of saving my money and planning ahead. I just wish people would see that side of me. 

So in a nut shell...

I graduate college in 19 days. I don't really have a job in my field yet. After applying and applying and interviewing and schmoozing, I was turned down. I currently work stocking groceries at my local Wal~Mart. It's a thrill.

First I want to explain that I applied and got offered one job. It was in sales. I'm graduating with my bachelors in Public Relations, Graphic Design, and Journalism. I'm stressing out because I have worked at Wal~Mart for almost year now and I feel like that is the best I'm going to get. I completed the Disney College Program and I loved my experience. I met my fiance and some of my best friends there. I applied for Professional Internships as well as full-time jobs at Disney and I really felt like I had a shot. I was so excited. I started house hunting and everything, until last week. I received word that I had been rejected from all of the positions I had applied to. I'm still devastated. There was really no doubt in my mind. I was going to Disney. Now I fee like I have to rearrange my life. I literally spent three days straight in tears and in a state of obnoxious depression. I have been applying to jobs higher up at Wal~Mart and now I feel like I'm going to be stuck there forever. I know the saying "It Gets Better" and I truly believe it... except for now. My parents are somewhat thrilled I didn't get accepted to Disney and my fiance's first thought was, "Yay let's move in with our friends." Don't get me wrong I'm happy to stay with my home friends and family, but I literally get homesick for Disney. Every time I watch a parade or fireworks show on YouTube, I go into a depression. I wish that others around me understood that every time Disney comes up in conversation I have an internal nervous breakdown especially now that I feel Disney is unobtainable.

I went to work this past weekend and a customer asked me a question. I'm a fairly bubbly person and I'm almost always willing to help. This customer told me that I was the nicest Wal~mart associate he had ever come in contact with and said I was "too pretty to work at Wal~Mart." Right there beside the pickles I started bawling and had to get taken off the sales floor by a co-worker. I had never felt humiliation until that moment. I'm always so willing to do whatever it takes to get what I want but in that moment I felt defeated and I could literally feel the brick wall that is going to forever hold me back from going to Disney.

I'm still graduating like I said and I'm thrilled to be done with school. Five long years after I started Pitt-Johnstown, I finally get to walk across the stage at Soldiers and Sailors Memorial and be proud of all the work I have done. I'm not entirely sad that I don't get to have my friends graduate with me but I'm excited to spend time with my family and get my life on the road. I want to be independent and show people that I don't have to depend on my parents for every thing. I want to be my own person and make my own life choices.

I love my family I really do. I remind myself of that fact often. I feel like sometimes my life is all about them and their needs instead of worrying about myself and what I need. My parents are probably the most interesting couple of people someone could find. I know I have the full support of my father and he will always help me get whatever I need to succeed. My mother on the other hand tends to scare me off and hold me back. She knows that I can survive and function properly on my own but she is convinced that I'm going to mess up and be a failure. Sometimes she says things that really make me feel like I'm a failure and I've done nothing good in my life. I think one of my biggest life choices has been to do things that are good for me instead of what is good for everyone. I really want to find personal happiness and be proud of myself. I felt like if I could do that, others would follow suit and be proud of what I have done. Clearly in my family, thats not how it works. I have been trying to get my mother to be proud of me for years.

One of my best friends, who has been there since middle school truly opened up my eyes to my potential. She gave me hope to continue on and get through the rough patches. She has always been more then willing to bring over some beer and ice cream and just talk things out until we eventually watch some horrible YouTube video and feel better about our lives. She has always been there when I needed and I never understood just how much I wanted to be there for her. She is truly one my best and closest friends. She will always be someone who somehow understands me. She will never understand just how much I owe her and how indebted to her I really am. 

Working at Wal~Mart has given me friends that I never thought I would have. My current supervisor has become somewhat of a crutch and support to me. She truly is a friend that I can tell anything to and be myself around. She has helped me through so much and she doesnt even know it. Going to work knowing that she is going to be there makes me feel 100% better about being an employee of Wal~Mart. It's not the most glamorous job or even the most interesting but knowing that she will be there makes me feel like there is somewhere I can go if something drastic happens or if I just need someone to talk to. Her and her wife have shown me that having a happy relationship is created on fighting, undying love for each other and admiration beyond belief. After getting rejected from Disney both of them came to work on their day off, knowing I was working and gave me hugs (Hugs are not something they give out very often). In that moment, I dont think they understood just how much I needed that support or even just a simple visit from them. Having these two souls as friends has helped me more then they will ever know and I hope one day to be able to explain just how much they have done for me.

Some other people at work have been fairly helpful with boosting my mood. They have taken me out to lunch and made me laugh probably harder then ever. They have just spent time talking to me. There are also the people that treat me as if nothing ever happened and they have no idea how helpful that is. My dreams were shattered and I can't really put the pieces back together. I hope that one day I can process the situation and move on but for right now I'm just too shocked and hurt to do anything. The people who treated me the same made me understand that no matter what is going on, life happens, but you have to move on and be strong.

I hope moving on with everything that time will prevail and show the world that I am a really good public relations specialist and that I'm passionate about what I do. To everyone who gets to read this I hope that you understand that you are worth it and if there is anything I can do to help you realize that, I'm here. Also I want to be able to share my thankfulness and love towards those that understand and help me through every little turn and bend that life gives me.